i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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