well I can't set my house on fire every night
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
Randomize
