I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
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