dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
