I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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