I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
