Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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