So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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