Plan B is the new Plan A
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Randomize
