I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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