Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Come see our sink grown plant.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
