He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
