I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
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