you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Randomize
