i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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