that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
