You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
I forget how to act sober
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