as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
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