i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
