Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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