I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
