I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Randomize
