How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
