My underwear smells like fireworks.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
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