I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
