I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
this hospital has no fireball
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
