hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
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