DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
did i just pee glitter
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
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