I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
I am full of burrito and curiosity
you didnt know i had herpes?
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Randomize
