I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
last night I used snow as a chaser
Randomize
