I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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