Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
