she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.
he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.
no his phone, idiot.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
