And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
i'm signing you up for texting rehab
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
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