I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
