rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
