Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
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I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
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She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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