Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
