i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
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Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
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So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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