can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
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