you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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