Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
