Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
