I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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