Umm I'm too high to move.
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
