I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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