It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
