Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Randomize
