I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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