just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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