last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
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She puked her nose ring out of her face.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
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sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
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