This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Randomize
