listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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