you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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