What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
