my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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