dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
