Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Randomize
