did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
