i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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